The Saddest Song I Know


She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks
She hadn’t been a virgin and he hadn’t been a god
So she names the baby Elvis
To make up for the royalty he lacked

And from then on it was turpentine and patches
From then on it was cold Campbell’s from the can
And they were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that’s all they knew how to play

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
Sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
Thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

Cause it’s been turpentine and patches
It’s been cold, cold Campbell’s from the can
And they were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that’s all they knew how to play

Elvis never could carry a tune
She thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon
She was tracing her years with her fingers on her skin
Saying why don’t I begin again
With turpentine and patches
With cold, cold Campbell’s from the can
After all I’m still a jerk playing with matches
It’s just that he’s not around to play along
I’m still an ass hole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
What’s written in Braille upon my skin…

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This has got to be one of the saddest songs I know. The type of sad that is so quiet and haunting in so many levels. Regina Spektor’s vocals is just so soft and emotional.

I don’t know why I really, really dig this song. Maybe it is because of the wonderfully depressing message of the song. The story is just so compelling. It’s about making mistakes, dealing with mistakes, moving on from it and trying to learn from it.

The words were wonderfully written and the quiet melody just adds depth to the already deep song.

The song may not be as well-known as other Spektor’s song, but this one touches a spot in almost every body out there.

And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
Sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
Thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes

This part talks about losing grip on the future that is ahead of you after a life changing wrong turn you take. It’s that point where you build a deep dark hole you keep yourself in. It’s the point where you are t busy being depressed that you overlook all the hope that’s there. It’s the point wherein you just want everything to sympathize with you.

She was tracing her years with her fingers on her skin
Saying why don’t I begin again…

Just sitting here and trying to decipher
What’s written in Braille upon my skin…

And then you realize that your mistakes should not pull you down and stop you from moving forward. You realize that there is something to learn about from that wrong turn you made. You realize that everything you have or have not become should make you a strong-willed person. It’s a matter of self discovery, thinking outside the box and reading between the lines.

Misunderstandings, Train Wrecks

You log in to your online accounts. You check out how things changed since your last visit (which, more often than not, happened just a couple of hours back.) You check your notifications. You check people within your circle. Then, lo and behold, you see a post.  A post that was made of sheer angst and hatred. You were taken aback. You wonder how the heck did that person’s post from hell figure in your timeline. He’s your friend, you actually know that person. Now you need to decide if you would sympathize with your miserable friend or would rather not get your ass on his personal issue. Oh, the misery.

People need to understand people.

It has been everybody’s quintessential dilemma to understand each other, we being social animals. There’s no way that we could avoid interaction between one another and we, being diverse beings, couldn’t avoid misunderstandings.

I categorize misunderstandings into two: the confrontational type and the ‘good lord, I just don’t get you and the things you do’ type.

I have little first-hand knowledge about confrontational misunderstandings, the type wherein you argue with another person for the both of you to meet halfway and pretend that you now understand each other. I hate that. I can feel my blood pressure shooting skyward whenever I have to make someone else understand my point. It’s stupid. I would rather keep mum and just stare at the other party until they vanish. I hate confrontations.

The other type, I guess, is the cooler type. It’s (sometimes) downright mean and illogical. It’s more fun. Like when someone ‘likes’ their own posts on Facebook. Nobody knows why he needs to ‘like’ a thing he made up. Nobody can explain the joy of seeing a post with a single ‘like’ and that sign of approval came from the very person who posted it. Ah, bliss.

_____

Over the years, I have realized how the word ‘understanding’ played a vital role in my being. As a kid, I was taught how to understand when I do not get what I want. I was told not to whimper whenever my good deeds were not given rewards. I should understand that life doesn’t work that way. I never had the latest toys because I made  to the top of my class. I understood.

I am very thankful that I didn’t have to learn certain values the hard way. It was very helpful especially when I evaluate certain events during the time when I was down.

The consequence, though, shows whenever I have problems. I never faced them head-on. I am always willing to compromise. It never really solve anything. All I have now are problems and unopened hatreds kept in the corners of my deteriorating soul.

Deep inside me, I wish someday I get to experience what it feels t be on the receiving end of the understanding. I wish I could be fucked up but still manage to be understood. I know, illogical as it may sound, I just want to be on that side. Maybe by then I would feel relieved knowing that being logical exists in a parallel universe.

_____

Oftentimes, I enjoy seeing train wrecks provided by willing friends. You know, seeing others embarrass themselves. You could’ve prevented them, but opt not to just for the heck of it. But seeing people near and dear to your heart is a whole lot different. I would’ve prevented it had I known what words to say to ease their burdens.

Although something tells me that they deserve it, my conscience tells me that I should do something. May it be done half-heartedly, I just need to stand up and make things work.

I know I am no ray of fucking sunshine. I may be sarcastic most of the time, but hey, that doesn’t mean I’m always the dark cloud hovering above people’s head.

_____

You are welcome, people. You must have enjoyed my wreckage of an entry. From Facebook friends from angst hell to my preference of misunderstandings to my sad and bleak inner self. Well, just enjoy the ride bitches.

on being down and all the bad things surrounding it

Sometimes it’s hard to say “now the tables have turned” especially when that is just your reason you are doing something irrational. Unfair as it may sound, but hey. Life’s not fair.

What’s harder though is expecting others to approach certain situations the way you do. What’s harder than harder is expecting others to understand how you feel, without you venting out those emotions.

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I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like opening up about my problems, too. I just don’t like talking about things that bother me. It’s like adding insult to injury. It’s not hearing my problems all over again that scares me, it’s the feeling that you need to explain your feelings to others for them to understand you. I just don’t want to sound like I’m begging for sympathy. People who open up their problems to others don’t need sympathy, I tell you. Plus I want to spare everyone from my troubles. (but I really don’t mind others sharing their problems with me. Seriously)

I also don’t like explaining my actions. I just want everyone to just live by with ‘I just did that because I want to” explanation then back to business because we do some things just for the heck of doing it. (Hey, I just explained one. Bummer). Nobody really NEEDS other’s explanations, they just WANT it for whatever purpose it may serve them.

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alone

 

No matter how much we want to tell ourselves (and others, for that matter) that we enjoy being alone or we find comfort on the safety of our lonesomeness, we still need others. Especially their compassion. We were born social animals, remember?

There are bad days when you just want, nay, need to be understood. Those days when evaluating your self  just won’t do the trick. The days when talking to yourself which borders to being schizophrenic and bipolar won’t make you feel any better.

Everybody does something wrong at some point. And everybody needs redemption.

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It is hardest to deal with one’s personal shortcomings. We can’t get what we can’t give but sometimes it is hard to tell that to ourselves. And sometimes it is hard not to expect.

We make ghosts that we can’t deal with and we can’t help but blame; others blame themselves while others blame others.

We always have something to regret about. That’s why I am not inspired by those fakers who say they never regret anything. Liars.

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Everybody feels down every once in a while. Even the happiest people you know feels bad some times. It just differs on how one handles his emotions, on how you look at your troubles.

Being vulnerable is not such a bad thing. Though some are not comfortable showing it.

Being sad sucks.

It is happy being sad.